did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
