You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
