i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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