Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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