I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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