guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
