toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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