today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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