why didn't you poke me back
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
