i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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