My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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