O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
