What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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