My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
