You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
