i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
