you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
