Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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