Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
