Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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