I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
