it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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