What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
