Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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