My friends, they love my intelligence
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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