I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
