now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I supernannyed him into submission
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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