I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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