So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
