Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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