I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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