Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
