I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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