you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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