im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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