Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
