New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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