wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
