I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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