How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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