Me too!
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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