Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I love you. Go after that dick
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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