i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
