1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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