it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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