I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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