Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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