woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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