I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
