We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
