I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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