I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize