3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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