i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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