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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
