ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
