i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
