I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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