Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
