Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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