Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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