I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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