How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
