I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
