Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize