So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
